The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
