Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
