You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
