All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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