In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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