wanna go halves on a baby?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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