your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
