I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
