Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
