was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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