I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
