His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
