I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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