God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
