Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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