They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
