what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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