not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
