I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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