I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
