I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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