My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
