cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
