I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
