I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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