Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
