in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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