You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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