What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
