we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
