guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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