Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
