Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
