I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
