Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
