At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
