So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
