He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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