I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
