I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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