I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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