hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
