He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
