just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
it's like heaven, but drunker
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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