his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
