Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
