I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
