he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
