Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
being pregnant is like rehab
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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