So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
