Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
